


Outtakes from Astor's Ballad

by takemetotheastral



Category: Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity (Video Game), The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Gen, Things Go Wrong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:14:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takemetotheastral/pseuds/takemetotheastral
Summary: things that didn't make the cut or would end Astor's Ballad early
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	1. Astor's Ballad but it's extra hard

He made his way outside of the shrine of resurrection with the same amount of ease as normal, but when he makes it down to the old man, the old man looks up at him with a wary gaze.

“Uh, hi?”

“You shouldn’t be on this plateau, I don’t care how long you’ve been in that cave- the monsters, they’ve evolved.”

“What? Monsters?”

“You need to get off the plateau, but you can’t leave unless your Sheikah Slate has all the runes- I’m sorry kid but I think you might be screwed.”

_ Why didn’t she warn me about whatever in the world is going on out here? _

A sound like an angry shriek bellows from behind a rocky outcropping with a tree on it, prompting the two men to look toward it.

“Oh, they’ve spotted us, you should run-”

“Where?! There’s only a cliff back that way!”

The blue bokoblin emerges from the grass and shakes its spiked boko club up in the air as though it wants to rally others.

“RUN, you fool!”

Astor panics and runs back into the shrine of resurrection, the bokoblins practically on his heels when he reaches the entrance. Rhoam looks away and tries to ignore the sounds of attack until it goes quiet, and soon he’s reapproached by Astor, who is now surrounded by teal-green flames.

“So why’d they spare you?”

“Ah, I’m already dead. At least the lynel didn’t get you, that one was more violent.”

“The what.”

Rhoam ignores the question and sighs. “Hyrule is doomed.”


	2. Astor, First Time Speedruner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no practice he just watched someone do a speedrun and said "hey i can do that"

Astor, being awoken by the voice of Zelda, sits up and gets up as soon as he’s awake enough to. Zelda stops talking as she watches him pick up the slate, leave, ignore the clothes, open the door, struggle to climb up the small cliff as fast as he can, and run outside. _ Why is he going so fast? How does he know what to do? _

After scanning the surroundings, he grabs sticks and mushrooms, storing them in the Sheikah Slate because he has no pockets, and he speedwalks down the hill. He walks right past King Rhoam Bosphoramus Hyrule, kills bokoblins with sticks and steals their weapons, and makes his way toward the tower. King Rhoam watches the small man go in confusion.  _ How would he know what to do? Why is he still speedwalking there? _

Astor activates the tower just a few minutes after having awoken, and Rhoam and Zelda watch him dive off, a stick in hand, and somehow land safely and perfectly okay after putting it in the slate. 

“Father, what is he doing?”

“I couldn’t know,” Rhoam responds, “But at least he seems to be doing it right?”

“I guess….”

Astor heads to the Ja Baij shrine first, and Rhoam follows him in an invisible form to make sure he’ll be fine. Astor noticeably flips off the decayed guardian as he walks by, and it starts targeting him as he stands, unmoving, in front of the pile of rocks blocking him from the shrine. Moments before it fires, he jumps out of the way, behind a pillar, and then runs in to the shrine. Rhoam decides to follow him inside, out of concern. He knows this shrine has the bombs, does Astor somehow know too?

When he arrives, Astor is already distilling the bomb rune, and Rhoam watches as he sets the cube bomb onto the floor before the ramp. He watches as the man pulls out the spherical bomb, stares at it for a moment, and then jumps over the ramp and seems to set off both bombs simultaneously.

Rhoam cringes as he watches the man get launched straight into the wall and limply fall to the ground.

“Well, that’s not good….”

However, things go dark, and Astor reemerges from the elevator and tries again. And again. And again. Rhoam watches the man get increasingly frustrated as he continuously fails to do whatever he must be trying with the bombs. Why won’t he just blow up the blocks?

Alas, he refuses to take what would now be the shorter path, and Rhoam watches Astor get blown up until he himself gets bored and decides to leave.


	3. Hestu Makes No Mistakes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hestu was merciful in the fic. But what if he wasn't?

Hestu ambushed Astor, and as usual he started crying. But Hestu feels no sympathy for this forest polluting asshole.

“You fool, you think crying will grant you mercy?!” The massive korok yells in his high pitched voice, and Astor flinches.

“N-no, I’m just- oh, god!” The man sobs as Hestu yells more.

“Oh, you’re just about to pay! For polluting my home with your gross pink mud, and for making my maracas get stolen!” He grabs the man by the back of his shirt and carries him to the entrance of the bokoblin camp. The Yiga spy from the bridge watches as Astor seems to levitate weirdly, and has no idea what in the world might be happening. She decides to teleport away, that’s just not right.

Hestu throws the terrified man into the bokoblin camp. “Get my maracas! Now!”

Astor, surrounded by blue bokoblins and still feeling absolutely horrible because he’s in the middle of a breakdown, tries to attack the gang of bokoblins.

Unfortunately it’s three on one, and somehow Astor gets thrown off the cliff into the river below. Hestu does whatever his equivalent of eye rolling is, picks up the traveler’s sword, and slays the bokoblins as the fire wizzrobe spots Astor.

Astor manages to escape, though worse for wear, and returns to the stable looking like a horrible mess, curling up behind some crates to finish having a breakdown.

Hestu eventually returns home, and greets the Deku Tree.

“Grandpa! I got revenge on the guy who filled the forest with mud, and now I have my maracas AND a sword!”

“What? You killed Astor?”

“I dunno if he lived but I hope s-”

“Hestu, he was the hope of Hyrule!”

“What? Oohhhhh, right! Uh, whoopsie!”

“Hestu, is he dead?”

“I dunno grandpa, he fell off a cliff and got beat up by monsters though.”

The Deku Tree wishes he had hands so he could facepalm.  _ Well, looks like Hyrule is doomed. _

Astor is still alive but it takes him at least a few weeks to recover, delaying Zelda’s rescue by as much time, and Midna (The horse) wanders into Kakariko on her own, with Astor’s stuff (minus his sword).


	4. Master Mode pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember the lynel? Astor didn't remember him well enough.

In this timeline Astor didn’t get mugged by the bokoblins. No, this time he got all of the shrines, and he thought the white-maned lynel didn’t notice him.

He was wrong.

Astor hyped himself up for jumping off the plateau, holding the paraglider and making sure he would have a good grip on it when he finally jumped. As he did this, the lynel waited, arrows nocked and bowstring pulled back. That idiot’s about to get pranked so hard.

Astor finally jumps off the tower with a running start, he's glad to finally be able to go elsewhere-

And then he explodes.

He’s hit with three bomb arrows simultaneously, and if he was alive at all after that, he isn’t when he hits the ground.

The lynel pumps his fist. First try, he didn’t even practice for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I discovered the master mode plateau lynel has bomb arrows, isn't that nice?


	5. Astor Remembers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had no amnesia except for how he got here

Astor wakes up to the sound of someone's voice- _wait. I know that voice._

_"Wake up, Astor...."_

"You! Why am I in here? What- why am I _naked?!_ "

" _What? You, um, oh I didn't expect this, well you almost died-"_

"I WHAT?!"

_"Yeah... um, are you going to save Hyrule?"_

"No! Why would I?!"

_"Damn, okay, thanks for nothing...."_

The voice of Princess Zelda fades away as Astor glares at everything in his surroundings. All of it glowing an untainted blue, unfortunately untouched by Malice, and he has nothing. Nothing! Not even his astrolabe to contact Ganon! _Maybe that rectangle thing can help? No idea how or why it would, but it stands out._ He walks over to it, mentally cursing the floor for being too cold. When he picks it up, the door opens, revealing another room. He opens the treasure chests to find his clothes, and while closed in for however long they aged quite poorly. Regardless, he puts them on, and walks around the room looking for a way out that might not be so obvious before deciding to put the slate on the pedestal. The door opens, and because of his inspection the sun is higher. It shines right into his eyes when he looks at the outside, and he actually hisses as he covers them.

Zelda, holding Ganon, watches his miserable interactions with everything. Looking at everything from an entitled yet pessimistic view made it extra funny, especially when he had to run from bokoblins that he tried to talk to. No orb, no command, and Ganon didn't directly control them. Zelda laughs at the prophet of doom, unarmed and virtually harmless, and Ganon growls at her.

_"When he returns to me, you're dead."_

"Sure, Ganon, whatever makes you happy." She rolls her eyes and keeps laughing as the beast growls and grumbles, humiliated. He watches the prophet too, now, seeing him trying to use a bow and arrow but holding the bow backwards. It's a miracle he even got the items, though he already was adorned with bruises from his poor attempt at thievery. Hyrule might be doomed, but Ganon was off no better, and he does the equivalent of holding his head in his hands, massaging his temples, and then sobbing. _Why do my minions all have to fail me so?_


End file.
